rodeo.

once in a while, he says he doesnt want me to be jealous. he doesnt know why i could be jealous of someone else. in his eyes, i am perfect. so, i shouldnt worry about this girl, that girl... they dont hold a candle to what i am (or what he thinks i am). i dont think he really sees me, or maybe he just skims the surface. because, if he looked closer... he would see something else completely. i dont know how i could describe myself to him to say what i see. or maybe its how i feel that gets in the way of my vision. i am reminded of a chubby girl with braces, who didnt get any boys attention until junior year. an awkward kiss that i still remember down to the sparking stars, the orange glow of the street lamp, and how i shook all over. all little details, clips of the past to him... but so so so much more to me. but... oh, i m just so very sensitive. thats the explaination they give me.
i think theres more, but why delve into it if i dont have a condition. lets just leave the past in the past- right? well, that doesnt happen to me. all my faults/actions/words come surging back to me as soon as my lids drop. i snap out of it. i have to. in order to be what he thinks he sees.
Finally. last night, after drunkenly pushing me mentally- past the brink anyone has ever been able to push (or rather, pull) he got it out of me. i yelled. at the top of my exausted lungs. i told him my biggest want in life. and he knew something big happened. and his mouth closed. i turned the radio up. trying to drown out the echoing words in my head. he mumbled something. i think i said over and over again. i just dont want to deal with this now. the subject changed... and my past seemed to appear again. i guilt trip the ones i am with. and he knows it. and i took the role i used to take “i ll fix it, i ll fix it, i m sorry. i will try to get it right.” and here is where it got interesting.

instead of the response i was trained to recognize, that i was preparing myself for never came. instead, foreign words came out. well, foreign to me at least. “its not just you who will fix it. we will fix this. this is something we fix.”
what? no. this is something unexpected, i was supposed to be the one that fucked things up, i was supposed to singlehandedly fix it.
i started to cry, and this time, it was because i was in shock. i didnt know what to do with such a wonderful partner. it was all new. and i didnt know how to handle it. i didnt realize a fight could end in a compromise. not blank apologies.

before - after

the i to my computer is crapping out. - 11.16.2004

do i really want to go home- wait, am i already there? - 10.18.2004

camp songs in the background for this. - 09.07.2004

can we braid eachothers hair tonite!?! - 06.08.2004

its been two minutes since i found out... - 06.01.2004